so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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