I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
