I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
