last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
