Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
