I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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