Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
