it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
