My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
