he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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