who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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