The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
