booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
