I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Randomize
