I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
