You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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