What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
