that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
