I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
