the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize