And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
