I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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