the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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