She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Im part way to drunk.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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