I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
