shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
