I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
