I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
