It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
