i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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