I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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