So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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