God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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