If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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