i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
