Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
