Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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