Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
