I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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