dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
