I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
