Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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