Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
