wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
