Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
