I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
