ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
