just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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