It's like God shit irony all over that family
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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