I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
